Starting new is hard, and maybe more so for some than others. I happen to be a person whom which it is very hard for. A new job, a new city, a new life can wear on you if you let it. I personally have trouble being myself around new people and in new situations. My mind has been poisoned to believe that "fitting in" is better than being "individual." I think this has a lot to do with the difficulty of starting new. Stay with me on this for a second...
For the past two months my life has been radically different. I got married, got a new job, moved to a new city and left my hometown for the first time in my life... all within the same week.
In my marriage... which, first of all, sounds really weird to me because most of the time I still feel way too young to be married. In getting married, you have to redefine who you are. Suddenly, I have someone else to look out for, support (try) and share nearly every moment of life with. I'll be honest, this can be a shock at first and at times can really bring our selfish nature to light. Of course, I am not saying getting married was a bad thing, it is amazing, but it can challenge who you are as an individual as now you are trying to mesh that with another being.
In my new job... This has likely been the most difficult aspect of the change in my life. Being thrown into a new situation, in a new place, around all new people, I did what I have learned to be the best way to survive-- I conformed. Rather than approach most situations with individuality, I tend to act how I believe the person I am dealing with wants me to act. If it's my boss, I'm passive and obedient. If it's a co-worker, I agree with their viewpoints and submit to their experience. I do this, I think, to fit in. It makes it easy, or so I think. In reality, I am learning that this takes a huge toll if sustained. After a while you forget who you are. At first, it's ok. At work you are one person, but when you come home you are still able to be your true self. Then, somehow, without you even noticing, the lines blur and you forget who you are.
That is where I am at now. I can't remember who I am. It causes an immense amount of stress. Losing yourself is a tragedy, one I sat by and let happen, encouraged even. The most frustrating thing is that I recognize this, process it and still do nothing to change it. At this point, the people I see everyday expect me to act as I have. Changing it now would be twice as hard as if I would have just been myself to begin with (epiphany?!).
Perhaps, not much of this makes sense. I apologize for that, but sometimes you just have to organize your thoughts with written words, it helps make sense. For not, I think I'm left with one option: stand up and be myself of live miserably. Hopefully I'll make today day 1 of re-discovering myself.
Hey big brother, just thought I'd help remind you of who you are...You are a man of perseverance, a man with a deep passion to change the world, and with a huge heart full of love for those who are hurting. You push people to be better, you help others get back up. Your "failures" have only made you that much stronger. You are brave, you are strong, and you are great. I see all of this in you. So don't be afraid to be stretched. Life is going to challenge you and change is hard. But you don't need to pretend to be anyone else. Who you are is enough.
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