The Constant Bracing Shock of Now

Have you ever felt that you could be something great? That you could change the world, or maybe make a difference in someone’s life? I feel like this sometimes. Like I can be or do anything I want. Unfortunately these moments are few and fleeting, and more often than not I am filled with doubt and ambiguity. Maybe this clarity is like a view of what your life could be, how the world could be if we would just STOP. Stop chasing the things that get us nowhere in this life. Stop putting on the face that everyone wants to see, the one that says we have it all together and just admit, “I’m messed up.” It’s like on Sunday mornings when I look around church and everyone is dressed so neatly with smiles painted across their faces, and I blend right into the crowd. Is there anything wrong with dressing nice and being happy? Absolutely not, but it feels fake. It feels like we’ve become so efficient at faking it that we sometimes forget we are. Then Monday comes and everyone is left to deal with all the crap in their lives on their own. What would happen if everyone put down the stones in their hands long enough to listen. Listen to what someone is going through and try to help them instead of telling them how bad of person they are.

It’s like the feeling you get one some close to you dies. A grandparent, parent, or friend. When you feel like you could change who you are and be something great, someone who lives with a purpose. When you want to reach out and help those around you, or maybe just be there for them. Vision is so clear in times like these, we see past the insignificance of sports or parties or sex, and are able to understand what is really important in life, but it soon fades away. We fall back into the routine stresses of life. I think we feel this way for a reason. I think we should embrace the feelings in moments like this. I think we are being given a gift, a rare opportunity to see things as they truly should be.

Spilling my guts...

If I could say what I want to say, I’d probably say things that would surprise you. I’ve become an artist at hiding what I really think and feel. It amazes me how I can go through a day and not let anyone get close enough to know who I really am. Anyway, hopefully better late than never, here are some things I’ve been thinking… I’d say I love people. I care about you more than you could ever know. I desire closeness and friendship more than anything, but I’m too stricken with anxiety to tell you. I can’t get out of my head. It’s telling me I won’t make it. It’s telling me not to trust you, that if I let you in, you will hate what you find. In my mind everyone is watching… waiting for me to fail… waiting for me to be who I have been… not in a self-righteous belief that I am so important that everyone would waste their time on me, more so irrational concern. But it owns me. I’d say that I’ve failed you. I haven’t been the friend, brother, son, companion that I should be. I’ve let you down, and in the process, whether I showed it or not, I lost a part of myself. A better me. Someone who could realize that life is fragile. I’d say that I can’t be who I was because it tears me apart to think of the person I have been. I’d admit that every time I “partied” it was just an attempt to cover up whatever I was facing in real life. I thought maybe if I could just drink enough cure the depression or obsession or anxiety or fear and pretend that what I was doing wasn't wrong and to feel comfortable with who I am and not care what others thought then I’d be happy. I thought if I could only embrace the world enough so that God would stop bothering me, convicting me, challenging me, then maybe I could remain in the safe, comfortable life I know. But when I woke up the next day I was still the same person. No elaborate change or epiphany had occurred. I’d say I’ve been a fraud, that I’ve lied to you. The hypocrisy of my life disgusts me. I know that I’ve ruined relationships with friends by the things that I’ve done and said. When the last thing you needed was to be judged, that’s exactly what I did. When all I should’ve done, was simply be your friend. I’d say I’m scared. There’s something very disconcerting about being almost 23 years old, with one college degree, going on a second one and still having no idea what you want to do.  It makes me feel stupid, every time someone asks what I am doing or where I am working or where I want to work and I act like I’ve got something to say, but the truth is, I’ve got nothing. I’m scared to leave the life of comfort that I have been hiding behind for so many years. Nothing really mattered, there were no real concerns, but now I am about to be on my own, and everything is on me. I’d say I love God, and sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing he STILL loves me. No matter what I’ve done. I want to live a life for him and glorify God through all that I do, even though I daily fall short of coming anywhere close to doing so. I’d say I’m on the mend, or at least now I can say that I am trying. I hope you can forgive, things I still lack…

If I could say what I want to say, I’d say I’m sorry.