Spilling my guts...

If I could say what I want to say, I’d probably say things that would surprise you. I’ve become an artist at hiding what I really think and feel. It amazes me how I can go through a day and not let anyone get close enough to know who I really am. Anyway, hopefully better late than never, here are some things I’ve been thinking… I’d say I love people. I care about you more than you could ever know. I desire closeness and friendship more than anything, but I’m too stricken with anxiety to tell you. I can’t get out of my head. It’s telling me I won’t make it. It’s telling me not to trust you, that if I let you in, you will hate what you find. In my mind everyone is watching… waiting for me to fail… waiting for me to be who I have been… not in a self-righteous belief that I am so important that everyone would waste their time on me, more so irrational concern. But it owns me. I’d say that I’ve failed you. I haven’t been the friend, brother, son, companion that I should be. I’ve let you down, and in the process, whether I showed it or not, I lost a part of myself. A better me. Someone who could realize that life is fragile. I’d say that I can’t be who I was because it tears me apart to think of the person I have been. I’d admit that every time I “partied” it was just an attempt to cover up whatever I was facing in real life. I thought maybe if I could just drink enough cure the depression or obsession or anxiety or fear and pretend that what I was doing wasn't wrong and to feel comfortable with who I am and not care what others thought then I’d be happy. I thought if I could only embrace the world enough so that God would stop bothering me, convicting me, challenging me, then maybe I could remain in the safe, comfortable life I know. But when I woke up the next day I was still the same person. No elaborate change or epiphany had occurred. I’d say I’ve been a fraud, that I’ve lied to you. The hypocrisy of my life disgusts me. I know that I’ve ruined relationships with friends by the things that I’ve done and said. When the last thing you needed was to be judged, that’s exactly what I did. When all I should’ve done, was simply be your friend. I’d say I’m scared. There’s something very disconcerting about being almost 23 years old, with one college degree, going on a second one and still having no idea what you want to do.  It makes me feel stupid, every time someone asks what I am doing or where I am working or where I want to work and I act like I’ve got something to say, but the truth is, I’ve got nothing. I’m scared to leave the life of comfort that I have been hiding behind for so many years. Nothing really mattered, there were no real concerns, but now I am about to be on my own, and everything is on me. I’d say I love God, and sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing he STILL loves me. No matter what I’ve done. I want to live a life for him and glorify God through all that I do, even though I daily fall short of coming anywhere close to doing so. I’d say I’m on the mend, or at least now I can say that I am trying. I hope you can forgive, things I still lack…

If I could say what I want to say, I’d say I’m sorry.